I have been compelled to write this for the past five months. I am reminded to do it every time that I spend time caring for my granddaughter, Ruby. I have the honor today of helping care for Ruby for a few hours and as I type this blog, I have just put her down for her morning nap.

Being a grandmother is such an interesting space for me. One of deep emotion. One of tremendous reflection. And in this pool, what emerges to the surface can be summed up in one word.

Judgment.

Judgment of what kind of mother I was myself. Hmmm. So many feels.

When I began raising children, I had no idea what I was doing. Sure, I read the books, listened to my parents, and got advice from doctors, but having never done it before, it was outside of my scope. I had not even begun to wake up to my own traumas and how they affected me. And I especially had not begun any sort of a healing journey. Let’s face it. Most of us have not when we start raising children and for many in my generation, “healing” work is something that may just be coming up as a realized need.  

It has been 30 years since I was expecting my first child. And I was a mess…physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. (The “in what ways” and “why” is possibly for another blog.) Of course, I didn’t know that nor did most of the people in my life as they were part of the trauma experience to which I was unawakened.

The point is, that all the conditioning, trauma and wounding was under the surface and once I became a mother, was oftentimes expressed directly into my children’s life experiences. I was a working mom with huge household responsibilities and every layer of trauma held within me was being continuously triggered. It’s a wonder how my children are as incredible as they are. They knew when they chose me as their mom, that they'd have the stamina, I guess? I had little patience. My body hurt. All the time. I was angry and resentful of so many things. I felt unimportant, unseen, unworthy and so, so much more. 

I have done YEARS of shadow work now and I am not even one cell of the same human I was back then. I know that. But…When I knock it out of the park as a grandmother; and I am, I can’t help but judge how I certainly didn’t do that as a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I learned how to do “all the things” and developed my own “touch”. I carry some of those skills into grandmotherhood.

So now, as I patiently sooth Ruby when she’s upset or needs some extra love to settle into sleep; when I feed her, play with her, love her and just spend time with her, I don’t have one moment of frustration, anger, or any of the shadow aspects of the Lisa I used to experience myself as.

Not one.

Growth.  Healing.

I would be a fantastic mother now that I am a grandmother.

I guess that is Ruby’s gift to experience. And all my future grandchildren. For that, I am profoundly grateful for the me I used to be. She taught me to heal and become the me I am today.

Thank you to my children Maria, Alex and Emma for choosing me as your mom and for having the strength to fly out of the nest and flourish.

To all the grandmas out there. We were enough as our unhealed momma selves. I am just learning that now. Become aware of what needs to be loved within you. That is where you heal. Then, share it with your children. Teach them how to do the same. Look at where you judge. That is where you’ll find gold.

Holding us all in love.

Now, flow forward in your life, much like the dance of the rivers and streams, and continuously bless and transmute all wondrous waters that you touch.

We’ve got this. Together.

Namaste.

Three Things to Know in This Month’s Energy

1. This month is an “experience” month.  Everything that came into your awareness last month; including things that you began to see clearer and/or from a different perspective will be brought to you in experiences. Experience months are busy; active months. Stay in your energetically balanced state of mind/body/emotion and spirit. Step up your spiritual practices to maintain your balance. Embrace your Divine mastery self and trust who you are. April offers us defining moments as humanity. What will you create as your experiences? You must look forward and lift your vision. Focus on YOU in your doing, being, loving and JOY. 

2. There are several important dates to pay attention to. 4/4 is a peak ascension uplevel day and will require your attention to balance through choosing harmony and unification. Watch where distraction seeks to pull you into disempowerment. 4/6 is the full moon in Libra bringing in transformation for yourself and others with whom you are in relationship. 4/6 is also the beginning of the pre-phase for Mercury retrograde. We are preparing for another touchback energy time. 4/20 brings in the new moon in Taurus along with the beginning of eclipse season with a total solar eclipse. Many gateways and choice points will be seen during this time. BIG transformation of body/mind/spirit is available in this. 

3. What can you do to support yourself this month? 1 - Notice what has got your attention. Energy flows where your attention goes and if you are sucked into the breakdown of old structures/ways of life, you will FUEL that. 2 - Embrace a deeper trust in who you are, why you are here and simply follow your joy. 3 - Tap into your Universal/Spiritual/God/Source support, remembering that your trust in yourself is your ultimate flex. 4 - Set boundaries with others and yourself. Limit time on social media, commit to your daily self-care and spiritual practices. 5 - Embolden your self-sustainability. Back up your electronic systems and break out the old pen/paper. Continue to focus on simplification of all areas of your life.